Number Six Vs. Vader
By Larry Yoakum III
Number Six Vs. Vader
By Larry Yoakum III
Number 6 was taking one of his usual walks in the village square. As was typical in the Village, the sun was shining. There never seemed to be any rain here, which didn’t make it any easier for Number 6 to figure out where on the Earth the Village was. Was it ran by the British government? The United Nations?
Number 6 was not his real name, of course. In this place, they took your name and gave you a number. Number 6 was known by many names in many parts of the world. His name was Zu Zu Smith in Canada.
As Number 6 was there looking out at the sea, a shadow covered him. There was a tall man clad in black armor and a flowing black cape. His mask looked like Death. His breathing came out of a filter sounding like a ghost coming back from the grave seeking vengeance upon the world. Number 6 asked him, “Who are you?”
“I am Darth Vader, and I’m going to kick your butt so hard it will turn inside out and come out of your mouth!” He took out a small cylinder, and pushed a button and a beam of red light shot forth. “This is my lightsaber, and I shall take your head off and put it above my fireplace!” Number 6 took out a regular sword and farted on it. The sword was now covered in fire.
“And this is my fire sword!”
The duel lasted for almost a half hour. The citizens of the village watched with little real interest, for their spirits had long since been broken.
Number 2 ran up and yelled at them. “Why are you two fighting! You are Number 6 and must set an example.”
Number 6 slapped Number 2 in the ear and yelled, “I am not a number. I am a free man!”
Vader asked, “What is my number then?”
Number 2 said, “You are Number 211949174319472570!”
Vader asked why his number was so stupid. Number 2 said, “Because Luke Skywalker kicked your butt aboard the second Death Star. You don’t deserve a better number, you fart-knocker.”
All the citizens of the village came from their houses and started singing the hit disco song YMCA.
Suddenly there was an explosion in the Green Dome. Thousands of Teletubbies came running out with machine guns, shooting at everyone. Vader took off his mask and showed his face. Number 6 yelled out in terror. “Oh no, it’s Barney!”
Darth Barney stared singing now. “I love Sith, Sith loves me.”
Number 6 took off his sunglasses. “Forget this. I’m outta here. Be seeing you!” He started running and found a secret hidden path that led from the Village to a McDonald’s in Dallas, TX at the corner of Trinity Mills and Midway.
Barney Vader took his saber and claimed the head of Number 2. Barney Vader felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned and saw a man dressed in similar clothes as Number 2. “Who are you?”
“I am the new Number 2.”
Barney Vader scratched his head. “Who is Number 1?”
“You are Number 211949174319472570.”
Barney Vader grabbed Number 2 by the throat and yelled, “Who gave me that stupid number?”
“That would be telling.” With that, Barney Vader took the head from the new Number 2. “I am not a number! I am a Sith Lord!“ It was then that he heard mechanical breathing behind him. He turned to see the real Darth Vader.
“You‘re a Sith wannabe, you imposter.”
Barney Vader stumbled over his words in terror. “But you’re dead!”
“Well, yes. Anakin Skywalker died over Endor on the second Death Star. But his dark side abilities were so strong that I, Vader, was a separate spirit from Anakin’s. Didn’t you read ‘The Spirit Lives On’ by Larry Yoakum III on larryyoakum3.tripod.com?”
Barney Vader shook his head. “No, it’s 1967. The internet hasn’t been invented yet. And I don’t think Larry Yoakum is going to be born until 1975. And wait, what is larryyoakum3.tripod.com?”
Darth Vader sat on a bench. “OK, you know about all that stuff that hasn’t happened yet, but you know that they aren’t supposed to happen yet, and you happen to know when Larry is born, even though it is a decade away from now?”
Laughing, Barney Vader said, “Yeah, well, it’s like a paradox or something. Just like YMCA playing a few moments ago while the citizens danced so beautifully. Oh well, I guess I am the new Number 2 now.” It was the last thing he said before Darth Vader stabbed him in the head.
“No, I, am, the new Number 2.”
A voice shouted out. “Not if I can help it!” Within seconds, hundreds of Teletubbies attacked Darth Vader. Bob Dole stood on the top of a box of apples and smiled. “The time of numbers is at an end, as is this idiotic village. Soon, I will be ruler of this pathetic world.”
After Darth Vader was eaten by the Teletubbies, Bob Dole led them out into the world and took over the whole planet. The world then entered a 1000-year period of tyranny, dictatorship, and a lack of T.P. Number 6 was soon captured and made into Dole’s houseboy. Soon after, Bob Dole met and married Salla Zend, and hired Ephant Mon as his accountant. He sent a fleet of warships to Naboo and had his troops enslave all the Gungans.
But all that would change one day, a millennium later, when the Promised One came and challenged Emperor Dole. A someone called Cornholio.